Sunday, June 19, 2005

I did something incredibly stupid this morning. I'm not going to go into the details of it....just that I feel really really bad about it.

I should be handling certain issues with grace and dignity and yet I'm throwing tantrums like a five year old child.

I know I'm acting this way because I'm hurt and something which means so much to me is gone. I'm trying to adjust to this new reality. I get along ok for a while and then suddenly I get really worked up and say and do things I would ordinarily never even dream of. Past injustices flare up and I have a new accusation to make everyday.

Am I confused? Yes.

Is my ego giving trouble? Yes.

Am I helping myself?No.

To accept that I'm powerless in certain matters is pretty hard. To let go and leave matters to fate not knowing if you'll ever get back what you had......words won't suffice to describe how painful that is.

The only option I have is to forgive and to forget. I just have to overcome whatever hungry need I feel and also tend to my bruised ego. How long that will take me, I dont know.

Its going to be a hard process but I know what lies on the other side is maturity, wisdom and better emotional control. and I'm bloody well going to get through it.


Deepa said...

Well on one side im glad you realised that you were bloody stupid..on the other i can empathise what your going through..but maturity and grace and dignity and all that damn easy to talk about and bloody tough to carry off...take it from someone whos got a PhD at making a fool of herself and is proud of it :)

Anonymous said...

I jumped to ur blog from magixncurses blog. n I must say u stole the words ouuta my mouth. I feel EXACTLY the same way u do...