Monday, September 24, 2007

I ran away from home on June 24th, two weeks after my mother passed away. I ran away from Dinesh Devarajan, the grieving son of Late Dr.V Devarajan and Late.Mrs Praveena Devarajan and ran towards DD, so called comedian and flirt who hit shamelessly on all women much to the amusement of those who occupied IMT. I left behind an empty house and occupied room number I-8 and as roommate of Ankur Poddar. I left behind the pitying glances of family and friends and lost myself in the warm smiles that greeted me when I got back. The doors of IMT closed behind me when I entered, sternly forbidding the real world from making its way into my mind. The dirty work of clearing up legal formalities was left to my uncle and sister who ran breathlessly back and forth until every document was signed, stamped and sealed. I cowered behind the walls of my college, refusing to acknowledge that the woman who’d brought me into the world had chosen to leave without my consent.

It was simple to pretend that nothing had happened. My mother had never existed in IMT and so I found it easy not to notice her absence as I smiled into the camera, decked in a business suit as I posed for the placement brochure. I did not miss her when I stayed up for weeks at a stretch preparing for the exams, the quizzes and the projects. I forgot about her as I danced with gay abandon with my friends on freshers night. During the times when I asked my heart if it had acknowledged what had happened, I received no response. I had no feelings, no pain, no lingering memories of motherly love. I shouted into the depths of my soul and waited for a reply that wouldn’t come.

IMT had done its job splendidly. It wordlessly sealed that raw gaping hole in my soul with neat stitches and pretended that the wound would heal. I ran my fingers over the stitches and thought things were all right now, that I was healing beneath the threads that held me together.

The months passed and I settled back into the routine: Classes, mid terms, parties, dinner at nice restaurants, staying up all night just talking to friends, bothersome case studies and end terms. The reward for joining a B school - the much coveted placement now dangled tantalizingly in front our noses after seeming so distant in the first year. There was a sense of purpose to the life I led.

And then when I least expected it, my soul replied. After staying up for an entire week to complete another set of projects, I sat back dirty, weary and tired and said to myself “Man I need a break, I want to go home!” and my soul said “What home?”.

I got scared.

I had a 3 bedroom house complete with furniture, TV and hot water but no one to make it worth returning to. IMT was the only place left where I knew who I was.

Now I feel the pain in every waking moment. I feel it when I see my friends talk their parents on the phone, I see it when they bring back sweets made at home and I taste it when I drink that cat piss that passes off as Nescafe coffee.

I have to feel my way along blindly , without the comfort of parents to tell me who I am and where my place is in this world. I don’t know where I’m going and how I’m going to survive. I ask myself “Why me? Why does all this have to happen only to me? Why must I recover from one blow only to be hit below the belt again? Why do some people get to live their lives so smoothly while others have to struggle just to be able to breathe?”. Perhaps the self pity will get me nowhere but for the moment its all I have.


rt said...

Hey Dinesh..Praveena Ma'm taught me Bio in 10th. I read your blog regularly and couldn't help leaving a comment for this post. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, but I'd like to say 'This too shall pass'. Hang in there and good luck with everything.

RamV said...

Dinesh... DD... can't say what I am writing is going to be of any good. I am leaving this comment because I don't know what to say. Because I know that whatever I say is worthless and because I cannot even begin to imagine how it must be. But also because I feel like reaching out. If I was at IMT, this comment would be a reassuring pat on your back, a wordless grasping of shoulders. However, from over here, words are all I have. Get back to the grind. It will help.

Ankur Poddar said...

You dint run away from ur empty home to join me in I-8. Infact I8 was incomplete without you and I was very much waiting for you .I have always believed that to some extent I have been able to fill up so called vacuum in your life.But this blog of yours is questioning my belief.I presume u consider me as part of ur extended family although I have never fulfilled my responsibilities as a roomie......

Sangeetha said...

Hi Dinesh,
My name is Sangeetha and I passed out of psbb in 94. Praveena Devarajan was my biology teacher - She was an amazing woman who touched many lives. What happened is so unfair - But hang in there and be positive. I live in philadelphia - If you visit the US, do stop by at our place.

Warm regards,

Lakshmi Reguna said...

Your mom taught me Biology in PSBB. She was a lovely teacher and a wonderful human being. I read your blog and your sister's blog too. I know this is many, many years late. But your blog really moved me.