In fond memory of Cocoa...

February 14'th, 4 PM. No women, no romance, no candle lit dinners, no dreamy looks, no intimacy,no passion, no hugs, no moonlight walks, no Eros,no Cupid, no Amor,no Venus, no Aphrodite,no Kama. No sir, all I had was a dogs ass.

A rather unpleasant sight to behold when your in the middle of a cricket match and a dog is lying placidly in the middle of the pitch and chewing the brand new ball . Shouts, warnings, cuss words, a swinging cricket bat, nothing perturbed Cocoa as he calmly exercised his mandibles. The ball morphed rapidly from a shiny sphere to a sorry looking pancake in his very capable jaws but he showed no signs of relenting. On and on went his magnificient molars until all that remained was a piece of dirty dripping rubber. This too was relished and he held it daintily in between his paws as he added the final touches. The job done, Cocoa got up, trotted 11 yards, sniffed around, gracefully raised a leg and peed generously on the stumps. He cast me one final contemptuous look, sneezed violently and then went back into the house.

The match was completely ruined. We couldnt possibly raise the capital to buy a new ball and it also became certain that the stumps would remain pegged to the ground until the world collapsed and crumbled in a dust heap. We groaned and resigned ourself to cursing Cocoa's apalling behaviour.

I met Cocoa for the first time when he came into my friends house as a skinny puppy with an enormous head. I still look back with longing at those days when Cocoa was small enough to fit in my lap. Each time I sat down, he'd run towards me and clamber into my lap. I'd delight in the fact that the animal felt genuine affection for me and I'd grin proudly and stupidly each time he sat on me.

My affection for this particular behaviour began to wilt after a few of months. Cocoa weighed a solid 35 kilos and it became increacingly difficult to breathe when he sat on me. I realised it wasnt affection that made the dog push me down at will, it was downright contempt. I spent many hours lying motionless on the ground while Cocoa gnawed a bone or a coconut on my chest. I couldnt move, each time I twitched, Cocoa would stop chewing and glare menacingly.We would regard each other in complete silence until I let my head fall back. Cocoa would then resume his work, pausing occasionally to growl softly. As reward for my good behaviour, he would leave the remenants of the bone or coconut on my chest which I could chew if I wished to.

When Cocoa went from cute little puppy to terror of the household in a span of two months it I who suffered the most. I was nipped, bitten, scratched and mauled on all possible occasions. When we played downstairs, there was no way I could escape those incisors. I could never outrun him on a straight road so most of my childhood days were spent running round and round a car. I've lost count of the number of times I perambulated around that batterd Fiat car in an effort to preserve the sanctity of my bottom. A million Dinesh's could be cloned from the material on Cocoa's teeth.

Today, February the 14'th was a special day, not because women took extra care to avoid me. It was a special day this year as Cocoa was about to consummate his love for an unknown doberman so that another dozen Cocoa's could be introduced into the world. The thought of a dozen Cocoa's chasing me around the Fiat caused be to break into a cold sweat and I began making plans for a cast iron underwear.

My friend and I secretly envied Cocoa. We'd provided the dog with a home, cared for him, fed him, bathed him, played with him and guess who was getting lucky first? The damn SOB!

The mother to be was to arrive at 3:00 PM and Cocoa was expected to do his stuff and quietly leave. The female would take care of the rest. Cocoa ofcourse had no idea of what was in store for him as he quietly chewed my shoe under the bed. The tension in the house was terrific. My friend paced rapidly back and forth while I hobbled up and down on one shoe. My friends dad kept waiting at the gate , hoping to catch the first glimpse of the mate. We chewed our nails while Cocoa calmly regurgitated my shoe lace.

The suddenly the female arrived. Instantly there was as a flurry of activity. Gates were opened, the female began barking and we began scurrying up and down in search of Cocoa. After an exhaustive search I found him under the bed.

" Come out Cocoa! " I whispered.

" Growl "

" Come out! Come out!" I whimpered.

Cocoa regarded me ominously, a bit of shoe lace sticking out of the side his mouth. Long being used to having my hand bitten, I grabbed the shoelace and yanked with all my might. Cocoa drew his head back and firmly resisted growling all the time through clenched teeth. My friend pulled me and I pulled Cocoa until with great reluctance Cocoa emerged. His eyes had turned a dull red and the course of action became obvious. We dropped the shoe lace and ran. With a great howl Cocoa bounded after us, leaping up to permanantly scar our backsides. Thanks to Tom and Jerry I had learnt the art of skillfully retracting my buttocks at the last possible instant. Having adjusted my shape from convex to conave, I ran towards the garage where the happy couple where scheduled to meet for the first time.

I got the garage and with a roar Cocoa rounded the corner and bounded into view. One look at the female and suddenly everything went quiet. Cocoa was suddenly unsure of what to do and he tread cautiously towards her, his ears cocked and eyes curious. The female growled continuously undertone and snarled the moment Cocoa got too close. Cocoa leapt back and surveyed her with interest. Could it be that it was finally time to abandon the table leg for the real thing?

We decided to leave them alone together. We sneaked out and lightly closed the door. I took the time to survey the crowd. There was my friends dad, mom and sister. The in-laws consisted of a fat hairy man who owned the female and a driver who also doubled up as a " Mating expert ". I was slightly puzzled at his role. What was he expected to do anyway? Cocoa just had to follow his instincts and all would be well. I threw him this question and he grinned.

" Just wait and see " he replied and spat on the ground.

We looked with interest towards the garage and waited for Cocoa to emerge strutting, the female devotedly following him with a meek look in her eyes. In stark contrast, the door suddenly burst open and Cocoa rushed out squealing, hotly pursued by the recalcitrant female. I watched with digust as Cocoa ran round and round the same battered Fiat car. It was obvious he hadnt got lucky.

" Looks like he hasnt made a good first impression " grunted the Mating expert. He spat once more and made his way towards Cocoa who was still galavanting around the car, long after the female lost interest in his blood. I love Cocoa but I would be lying if I were to say he had a high IQ. The mating expert firmly grasped his collar and tried dragging him back to the garage. Cocoa stubbornly resisted and was dragged along his butt back into the love nest. Having shoved him in, the door was shut and we waited once more for Cocoa to emerge the man.

Silence.Complete silence.Sepulchral silence.Cocoa the silent lover silence.

The ME had a frown on his face. I guess he wanted a bit more passion, so he tiptoed towards the garage door and opened it a crack. The frown deepened into a look of complete disgust. He beckoned towards me but I declined. I like Cocoa but there was no way I was going to burst upon him now.It would be sacrilege!

" They arent doing anything " the ME hissed.

" Maybe he's done it and he's taking some rest " I hissed back.

" He's standing on top of the motorcycle, bloody fine place to rest!" he snapped back.

The ME came back obviously digusted with our hero.

" What now? " we asked.

" It simple, we muzzle and tie the female. I hold her head while he does his job." he replied.

All visions of Cocoa, the dog of pure testestorone vanished immediately.

" Cant we give him some more time? " I asked timidly.

" Listen boy, we could wait here all evening but I assure you he isint going to leave that motorcycle. Unless your suggesting we lift the female onto the motorcycle too, I'm afraid nothings going to happen!".

So we bound and gagged the female while Cocoa watched alertly from atop his perch. When it became clear the female was completely immobile, he came down and approached her with great caution. I fled the scene, I didnt want to watch this.

An hour later, Cocoa emerged strutting. He swaggered into the garden and once again relieved himself on the stumps. His manly display was abruptly cut short when the female emerged unbound and ungagged. All pretence was dropped and Cocoa rushed back into the house pausing only to snatch the ME's chappals.

Within a few months, a dozen Cocoa's came into the world and everyone was happy. All I had to do now was to patiently wait for 12 dobermans to get over the fascintation of my tempting backside.

So that is the happy tale of how Cocoa became a daddy. It is also the unhappy prequel to " Cast iron underwear, where can I get one? "